The long awaited return to my thoughts;

I have had many failures and triumphs since my last words here. Full fat expectancy, hollow painful loss. I have made choices for my health, which found itself in danger, and am currently experiencing an awakening sans hormones or any medication aside from caffeine. These changes, along with the decision to eliminate toxic people and thoughts have truly gripped me. Long gone is the Jordan in fear of change, the girl who stayed within the cycle. Through a series of confrontations I have faced the monsters and bid them well on their exile from my life.

I find myself not completely alone, for my partner is at my side, our teeth bared. I hold threads of great friendships, unable to find the time to nurture them. Thus, I fail to comprehend or analyze the occurrences of my days with anyone other than myself…who merely puts events on a shelf. I must overcome this fear of trust, for not all friends wish to betray. There are those who inspire, those who accept, those who support.

Work, in both school and employment has been inevitable. A full semester of intellectual classes that truly challenge my system of thought. Middle Eastern Revolutions, Stage Lighting, Physical Movement, all cause unrest and frustration. I will however overcome. My midterms have passed with little to no issue, and I simply await instruction for the latter half of the semester. I look forward to my 10 day break from structured classes, gladly welcoming the ability to read a novel of my choice, re-arrange my home, and enjoy the choice to sleep endlessly.

I have had many projects in the works, my brain reeling with ideas and the need to manifest them physically. I series of collaborations must happen or I will go insane! I am curating a collection of vintage to once again list online. This has been a goal for close to a year and is finally in grasp. Gogi, the ever diligent partner will be selling motorcycle ephemera alongside my fabrics. I will update as the process continues.

As for recent creative outlets, I was able to work with my dear friends the designers of Ax + Apple jewelry for an editorial showcasing their newest line of magic. We allowed for full collaboration, leading to mixed mediums of both powder and ash, pyrite, white cotton, and black silks. I am so pleased with the results, thus:

My word, it had been too long! An entire semester spent working heart and soul on film, stage, and writing. I don't even recall what has taken place, for there have been so many events and occurrences and happenings to truly retain. I will update images with descriptions, so that I may remind myself of all the achievements.

To begin: an inspired shoot I designed last week;
An experimentation of soft and harsh, with light and texture;

Photographer: Kristen Wrzesniewski
Jewlery: Ax+Apple
Styling: Summer Lawson

I constantly feel like a changeling, a fledgling on the brink of discovery. I am in search of my purpose, my internal and external motivators. I change daily with mood, from harsh and exhausted to poised and well-kept. I feel as if I was able to touch briefly on my polar sides in this set, and wish to further explore the nature of my ratty, angered, and torn self, versus the elegant, velveteen, graceful tendencies.

A journey of reincarnation;

I have found myself on a bizzare and yet familiar path into my own soul. Inward we march, course after course of theatre, dance, economics. I find within my body the innards of both a coward and a performer, who amazing have begun to hold hands. My emotions topple, my brain sloshing to and fro, palms sweaty with insecurity. I volunteer for exercises, rear my head, hide in corners. I have been playing characters, working hours, and sleeping minutes away. Modern dance conditioning molds my form into a pliable and at once astute statue during Performance classes. Techniques given in Acting for the Camera flow at once into acting courses, allowing for ease and transpiration. I am the face of the mysterious French woman whom Fornesatti once idealized into the faceless being. Thus, here are my sides:

August wind;

I have already begun so many endeavors, and it is only the eleventh day of my birth month! Discovering within myself the voice which I have ignored for so long, I am beginning to feel unusual, individual. Obstacles overcome, I set out on new journeys. I am weening myself off of one form of income, and working towards another. I plan on steering my mind and energy in a much different direction this semester. The inner and superior woman within me is desperately seeking outlets. Leatherwork with my partner, crafting home furnishings, adventures in culinary excursions, and multiple jobs. My mind will race with film classes and continuing education in the arts. I am looking forward to seeing my favorite technical musicians from California, while also planning a trip out of town! I am cleansing, and while doing so, growing and incorporating inspiration like never before.

This fall will be an immense collision of both mind and soul, as I press onward toward a more rounded and self-actualized being. Wish me luck, for in the artifacts I have begun to collect, and the words I have written...I am finding myself.

Set yourself free;

July heat;

DeathHunt;

Prepare for action!

 

Ptahotep;

One should get back to her reading, before she loses herself entirely!

A wealth of change!

I finagled my way into a new car! I know it seemed so far off when I previously mentioned it, but the motivation to sell once we fixed the compressor was amazing. I listed the Honda online and sold it in less than 24 hours. We put money down on a 2005 Mazda 3 Hatchback, and now I am acquiring credit toward a loan I used to pay it off! Things are moving quickly in the right direction.

School starts in just over a month, and there is so much yet to accomplish. I have been working on putting together a few more photo shoots, which I will eventually share, as well as getting together a small stock of radical vintage to re-open my etsy store with my boyfriend. There are home improvements we need to make before school eats all my time, and precious novels to devour before textbooks consume my eyes. All in all, the new car has helped make headway into these endeavors. I will post a picture shortly, as soon as I manage to locate my digital camera.

In other news, some inspiration for your sleepy Thursday minds! I have been re-introduced to 1960's-80's biker culture via some amazing blogs, and will be linking you to some treasures of fashionable motorcycle mamas and their old men!

And myself on July 4th for good measure. 

"The sangria is gone!"

Rebellion;

Differentiating my free time from my working time, I have found myself amidst piles of clothing, mountains of old schoolwork, and stepping stones of novels and vinyl. I am making far too little money to be in a comfortable place financially, yet I am somehow coming to terms with making more with less. I have cleansed one of my two closets, my dresser, and one suitcase under my bed of projects, tapestries, and fabric remnants. A few days of dyeing, crafting, and sewing have whittled my "to-do" list significantly. Now, a deep cleaning of my actual home itself and of my car and all should be right and well in the world! I am in the market for a new car, and as my stomach turns at prices, I see a new opportunity for myself. With better transportation comes more traveling, more easily tackling goals and hobbies, and better safety and pleasure when driving. We shall see! Now, off to make more money, more clothing, and more enchanting times with new and intelligent femmes.

BEHOOVED

The Lacuna;

A woman should be both gentle and abrasive, soft and dull while also rough and torn. I have been having difficulty finding the balance, but I am well on my way, with shapeshifting eyes and ever-so-welcome changes of wind. The months are ephemeral, and I must grow quickly!

w r i t t e n w o r d

Failed and Forgotten;

Forgive me for being absent, I have been out of my own mind it seems. With school behind me for three months I have already made headway into a great summer. I have been shopping nonstop to fuel my inspiration, to prepare for vacation, and to fill my wallet. My finds are minuscule, but everything is meaningful to me. I took some time to myself for a day and really came to understand my own wants//needs. Things have been forgotten, like my pride and my honesty. After meditation, with head intact, I was able to more clearly navigate trough my fears for the future. I am attempting to cleanse myself this season. I want to be free of prejudice, free of flaws in my thinking. I want to freely give myself and have others receive my soul gently. I simply long for conversation and decent gestures. My relationships both at home and with friends will flourish, as I commit to myself. I will let you in on this journey as it happens. As proof, here are some great stepping stones.

 I was lucky enough to do a shoot for a dear friend's Etsy store on Friday. The photographer is absolutely the sweetest woman I have come across and am already in the midst of planning portraits and another shoot. Spending time with strong and empowered women has made me wish for that within myself. This is why I have spent time cleaning both mind and home, and hope to come out swinging!

Thus:

The Black Swan Theory can be found on Etsy for both clothing and accessories used in this shoot. Please support the work of a genius and strong woman!