The long awaited return to my thoughts;

I have had many failures and triumphs since my last words here. Full fat expectancy, hollow painful loss. I have made choices for my health, which found itself in danger, and am currently experiencing an awakening sans hormones or any medication aside from caffeine. These changes, along with the decision to eliminate toxic people and thoughts have truly gripped me. Long gone is the Jordan in fear of change, the girl who stayed within the cycle. Through a series of confrontations I have faced the monsters and bid them well on their exile from my life.

I find myself not completely alone, for my partner is at my side, our teeth bared. I hold threads of great friendships, unable to find the time to nurture them. Thus, I fail to comprehend or analyze the occurrences of my days with anyone other than myself…who merely puts events on a shelf. I must overcome this fear of trust, for not all friends wish to betray. There are those who inspire, those who accept, those who support.

Work, in both school and employment has been inevitable. A full semester of intellectual classes that truly challenge my system of thought. Middle Eastern Revolutions, Stage Lighting, Physical Movement, all cause unrest and frustration. I will however overcome. My midterms have passed with little to no issue, and I simply await instruction for the latter half of the semester. I look forward to my 10 day break from structured classes, gladly welcoming the ability to read a novel of my choice, re-arrange my home, and enjoy the choice to sleep endlessly.

I have had many projects in the works, my brain reeling with ideas and the need to manifest them physically. I series of collaborations must happen or I will go insane! I am curating a collection of vintage to once again list online. This has been a goal for close to a year and is finally in grasp. Gogi, the ever diligent partner will be selling motorcycle ephemera alongside my fabrics. I will update as the process continues.

As for recent creative outlets, I was able to work with my dear friends the designers of Ax + Apple jewelry for an editorial showcasing their newest line of magic. We allowed for full collaboration, leading to mixed mediums of both powder and ash, pyrite, white cotton, and black silks. I am so pleased with the results, thus:

John Stuart Mill

My ethical analysis class has been touching not just on Plato, but on Utilitarianism and the good of one action for the whole versus the individual. I find these themes incredibly resonant with my current life, giving up simple things for myself in order to make others happy. I could argue that this is harmful to my own individuality, but I feel that through being considerate, I find more of myself. Key notes from my course:

"Humans in general prefer cultivation, but there are those who have never been exposed to it. If institutions risked teaching cultivation, every being would have the chance to experience cultivation. Beings would then, once subjected to it, prefer to cultivate themselves."

On John Stuart Mills:

"Opinions are put forward by people, and in all cases we would want to allow for dissenting opinions. Challenges of values and beliefs. “Prevailing opinions: knowing previous that the dissenting opinion is in fact false.” Mill says that should we know, we should still allow the opposition to come forward and present itself. Allows tolerance and a wholesome view. Both opinions can be practical, and through deliberation and discussion we can discover what is true and real. Logic. "

"The development of the individual allows for the constructing of a robust and greater social life. “The good of the whole.” The collection of great individuals come together to produce a decent society. Mill says that we must be careful, for if we see ourselves as whole, we can forget the value of the individual."

Overall, I realize that I must work on myself, and still remain a part of the whole. This rings true with current monetary trouble that I am having in particular. I must sacrifice now, for the things I will desire in the future. I need to function on a more work-based schedule, both on my own thoughts and cultivation and on pleasing my employers. A hard-working girl is a level-headed one!

origins in june:

The French is beginning to blend with my native language, chaque jour est plus belle. I am finding life less of a struggle, and more a simple ebb and flow of motion, that if once discovered can lead me on a current to my next destination. I met a friend of five years for the first time in person this last week. She is an amazing inspiration to me, always encouraging the best without having to say one word. I feel renewed within others, stagnant in myself. I honestly desire to stand in another’s ragged//torn shoes.

There is less anxiety, less animosity, less ample sadness. I am again, becoming whole with each new day spent growing. The sun sends warmth to the most frost chilled areas of my mind, allowing for enlightenment. Friends come from out of town, out of state, out of country to speak, fumble, and smile. I will apply myself to a future, and with fingers crossed, toes turned inward, hope for an acquired education. To be accepted into an esteemed college would mean the world to my small soul.

I can only hope that with time, you too will see. I pray for eyes to be opened, books and scripts to be read, moments to be spent. Time is frail, as is one’s life, so be reckless. Spill the glasses meant for drinking, eat the bread meant for sharing, walk on unknown grass. Live knowing that each moment is child to the last, and that time will one day surpass your being.

Ceaseless...

Words I have come to like lately:
-realignment
-accept
-self-regulation
-literate
-exist
-sterile
-cohabit
-tolerance
-oldhat
-damage
-vacancy
-famine
-nonsense
-volatile
-negligence
-entirety
-abort
-device
-dead
-threshold
-spent

They all have certain beings, objects, and senses in common. I feel like I have fortunately found time to rid myself of my thoughts, and the only thing that seems to come out are the scribblings from my little leather bound book that mean nothing to no one, not even myself. It is raining, the sky gray, and my eyes are tired already of holiday cheer. I am starving, my bank balance wanning, and my body exhausted from effort of pleasing others in every environment I know. Work, school, home, familial relations. All seem tireless and I don't feel much response from any of the student bodies I speak to. Corpses maybe, and similarly I seem to wake inside such a skull every morning. Dead to all, even my own passions and dull emotion. There is no saving this, no tide to wash it clean. No variety of medications or books, stories, films, or journeys which will clear this mind of mine. I simply need to be, and sit in the piles of filth that occupy my apartment and vehicle, and wallow in what I have created. Scraps of everything from bank receipts to food containers surround me, and the wasteland that is...is unforgiving. I never fail to make myself alien in my own home. It is because of this that I abandon all hope and generally push everything out of my own reach, hoping that such things will return to me with joy. There is none. I do not mean to sound depressed, for I am not. I am quaint, happy, and overall accomplished. But the things that come with such feelings result in the previously mentioned emotions. I feel stranded, and no one seems willing to help. Maybe I have not asked politely enough, or have failed to make a signal of distress. My smoke clouds not vast enough, my pleas not heard. I need some real time for Jordan!

H.E.L.P.

Destino;

Bits of my writing, when I used to seem more sad. Which, might have been the case. Yet, words are beautiful, and I am actually pleased to have somewhere to piece together some written form of my past.

"With grace I come and go from my own mind. I feel numb and then overly sensitive to things on a random spectrum, and cannot seem to control my emotions. The tiniest things set me off, and I can feel overwrought and destructive for hours to days. Then again, the simplest actions like a phonecall from a best friend or mailing a long overdue package can send me soaring, with unlimited smiles and yelps of sweet joy. Simplicity along with the most complicated feelings I may have ever experienced. I am told that I am loved, cared for, respected. I should open my eyes to such things more often. I continue to discover that I don't understand much unless it is laid out in black and white. I am not one to think logically, only with my heart. The damn organ seems to be bleeding out. I am failing at keeping my own soul company, and will therefore resort to spending more time with my own silly brain."

familiar places in this city are fading fast
i should have seen this coming
premonition
cowboys
everything is temporary

there is a kind of link to me and my state, land, locale
a strong root, weak branch sort of thing
me being the strong root

m.e.a.s.u.r.e.m.e.n.t.

-weigh the good
-discuss the bad
-trim the fat
-cut the weak

big dreams for colder weather, greener hills, brighter sky.
big hopes for future learning, coming years.
big ideas for new stories, undiscovered texts and films.

HOMEOSTASIS
CALM
SCRAMBLED

Open spines, sore books.
Open books, sore spines.

"Discomfort. Loud. Uncouth. All in my head, and despite the nice sleep, I feel exhausted. Why does my mind fail me, even in slumber? Loyalty should never come to question, yet it would be impossible to keep such a charming intruder out of one's head. I have far better things to be spending my time on. Yet, when the one you cherish is at risk of being swayed, you will do anything to avoid such a loss. I have come to find love in the way people eat, stand, and speak. I lust for books, words, and charters. I have run away with excitement in knowing that in a weeks time I will have hours in a school hall way again, providing me with the duty of becoming familiar with such things. Oh, how I long to be challenged, in every aspect of my current life."

Tonight No Poetry Will Serve

Saw you walking barefoot
taking a long look
at the new moon's eyelid

later spread
sleep-fallen, naked in your dark hair
asleep but not oblivious
of the unslept unsleeping
elsewhere

Tonight I think
no poetry
will serve

Synatx for rendtion:

verb pilots the plane
adverb modifies action

verb force-feeds noun
submerges the subject
noun is choking
verb disgraces goes on doing

there are adjectives up for sale

now diagram the sentence